To the one I need to forgive,
I hate you for what you did to our children. I wanted to kill you when I caught you abusing our daughter, and admittedly there are times when I still do. On occasion, I have murderous images cross my mind where you are being tortured. I think you deserve to be tortured for your crime.
I can’t trust anyone because of you. My lack of trust for people didn’t start with you. Frankly, I couldn’t trust anyone while I was married to you. In fact, I was petrified of men. I despised men because all they did was hurt me or leave me. Then silly me, I married one.
As our marriage progressed I kept thinking that you were just another one of those men out to exploit and destroy me. And you used my children to do just that. It is funny, I actually did love you and that is why this hurts so badly. I gave my whole life to you and gave up so much of myself to be with you.
I had a dream to have a family and I needed you to love our children and me. They needed you to love and protect them, but you failed them.
Our daughter struggles to trust others and to believe that she is worthy of love or any praise. She allows fear to rule her life and it is painful to watch. She has so much potential to follow her dreams and to make a great life for herself, but she finds it difficult to believe that.
As her mother, I want to take her pain away, but I can’t. Only God can. She finds it difficult to trust God, because she feels He should have protected her from what you did. When children have earthly fathers who use their power to abuse, they struggle to trust God. They view God like they view the person who raised them. But God doesn’t want His children to believe that lie. He wants them to know the truth. The truth is, God is kind and He takes it very personally when His daughters and sons are sexually exploited or abused in any other way.
You stole her innocence by doing the evilest thing a person can do to someone. The hate I have in my heart towards you makes me sick. I can only imagine that your own self-disgust and shame as a human being drove you to do such a horrific thing to your daughter. The only person who can take the hate and shame away is Jesus Christ. He took the sin and hate of all mankind, including you, on himself when He died on the cross.
I have to pray and ask Jesus to help me forgive you. I have to give Him my hate and bitterness, so I don’t seek revenge against you. I do this because I am a sinner capable of murder. We all are without Jesus Christ. I am like a mama bear defending her cubs. The mama bear will kill anything or anyone she perceives as a threat to her babies.
You were my husband for fifteen years, but you were also a consistent threat to my babies when you yelled and screamed at them constantly and physically abused them. When you burned the boys with cigarettes because you were mad that they were not listening to you, you threatened their sense of well-being and trust.
They wanted to love you, but they were afraid of you. Yeah, I know about that. Many secrets were revealed after you went to jail. You stole their love for you and threw it in the trash. I felt the red flags rise in my heart when I was dating you and having sex with you before marriage. You didn’t love me because you didn’t have Jesus controlling your life and heart. You couldn’t give me what you didn’t have.
I know I wasn’t the easiest person to be married to or to live with for that matter. I know I was highly emotional and hard to deal with sometimes. I tried to fix you and change you, instead of just loving you for who you are. I also gave you children when you weren’t ready. I allowed my family to bash you.
I made you feel disrespected and inadequate. My own self-disgust and shame made me play the victim in our marriage. My weaknesses made me feel entitled to seek revenge on you for hurting the kids and not working to provide for the family. I had so much pressure on me I was ready to explode.
I wanted to be loved so bad, that I looked outside our marriage and had an emotional affair. Then because of further shame and my hate for men, I sought a same-sex relationship, which blew up in my face. We should have talked to each other and sought help, instead of raking each other over the coals.
My sins and weaknesses are many and I can understand why you would want to seek revenge against me, but did you have to use our kids to do it?
We both did a fair share of damage to our marriage, but you pushed it over the cliff and drove the final nail in the coffin with your abuse of our daughter. I feel that no matter what I did or how good or bad I was in our marriage, you still would have made that heinous choice because of the absence of Jesus in our lives.
I am burdened for you and your eternal destination. Even though you have hurt us so deeply, it practically destroyed us, I don’t wish hell on you. I can only give credit to the Holy Spirit, who lives inside of me now. You may not even take responsibility or apologize for your crime, but I own my failures in our marriage. I made many mistakes I wish I could take back. My heart is open enough to realize that you might still love me, but it may also hurt you to know I am in love with and married to someone else.
I am deeply sorry for any hurt that I have caused you. I hope you can forgive me. The ability to forgive only comes from Jesus Christ. He saved a wretched person like me, so He can save anyone, including you.
My hope and prayer is that you accept Him and answer the knock on the door of your heart. That is the Holy Spirit, Jesus, calling you to turn to Him. I want our kids to be okay and I want this family to heal. It may take a long time, but anything is possible.
Living in God’s Grace,
© 2017, Rhonda Marie Stalb. All rights reserved.
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